Make your own techno concert

Off-balance- Sir is the network switch on....
User- yes why?
Off-balance- ok power it down.
User- ok
Off-balance- power it back on....
User- done
Off-balance- wow that was fast........
User- nothing is happening
Off-balance- are the lights flashing?
User- no should they be ....... hang on
           They are now (you hear clicking in the backround)
Off-balance- ............ sir are you turning the light switch on and off?
User- I am making the lights blink.
Off-balance- ...... eh.... bu....... that's it your doing it right sir keep doing that till the workstations start working again.

Bass Ackwards

• Me: When are we going live with this client?
• Coworker: Not sure. We're waiting for them to sign the contract.
• Me: What? Why did you go out and do discovery for 2 days if they haven't signed it?
• Coworker: It was one of the deliverables.
• Me: Again, how do you have deliverables if they haven't signed a contract? That doesn't make any sense.
• Coworker: That's just what happened. In any case, they have to take it to their board of directors to approve.
• Me: Their board hasn't even LOOKED at it yet?
• Coworker: No.
• Me: ~facepalm~

Out "Sick"

• Me: Hey, welcome back. Were you sick yesterday?
• Coworker: Nah, had a Klan meeting.
• Me: ...a KLAN meeting?
• Coworker: Yep.
• Me: But... aren't you half-Jewish?
• Coworker: Eh, takes all kinds.
• Me: 0_0
• Me: ...
• Coworker: You know I'm just kidding, right?
• Me: ...
• Me: 0_0
• Coworker: Stop looking at me like that!
• Me: 

Yeah Yeah Its the same thing

User: so Where do you want me to go

Sandy: please open Internet explorer

User: what is that

Sandy: the blue "E"

User: my documents?

Sandy: no

User: Umn I do not know what I am doing
Ok I found it, but I dont see the support site

*********************** Dispatch Support Tech***********************

OFF BALANCE TO THE RESCUE!!!!!!

Sandy: so what is the issue with the internet.............

Off Balance: .................. umn..........

Sandy: What?

Off Balance: ......... well its umn?

Sandy: What?

Off Balance: ....... he was trying to open the internet...... with Desk Clock

Sandy: what?
WHAT?

Off Balance: yes the desk clock is currently open......
Today we have reached a new chapter in stupidity.

I dont want his happy meal

Thank you for calling one moment while I stab this kitten

Sometimes the left and right hands want completely different things

• Boss: I'd like you to do a review on this client's documentation.
• Me: OK, I have to clear it with them first, but that should be fine.

...later...

• Me: I'll be doing some review on your documentation to optimize it for our operations.
• Client (manager): What do you mean you're doing revisions? I have it just the way I want it!
• Me: Mostly just getting rid of redundancy and unnecessary information, as well as standardizing and cleaning up the overall organizational structure.
• Operations Supervisor: Don't worry, I'll keep an eye on the process to make sure we're not losing any information.

...later...

• Boss: Have you done your review yet?
• Me: Almost finished with it. Just have to go over a few more things internally.
• Boss: OK, be sure to keep the operations supervisor in the loop too.
• Me: Yep, he's been approving the big changes as I go. I know the manager was nervous about it.
• Boss: The Director of IT is here and happy to hear about the progress!

Crap forgot the match

One of our users shared this with us

I think we should just be friends........ how about penpals?

User: so it looks like windows uninstalled itself.

Off-balance: umn.... what?

User: windows was here and it just removed itself from the computer

Off-balance: so the computer removed windows by itself?

User: yes.

Off-balance: your restaurant is also a winery correct?

User: yes why?

Off-balance: how much of the stock you been drinking?, cause I will only accept that you are completely smashed beyond feeling pain to believe that your windows pc decided it didn't like your computer and left.

User: I don't understand

Off-balance: I know you don't.

Brotherly love

His reasons were ............ cause she's a girl

Moustache

• Zach: I don't care about any helicopter show without Tom Selleck's moustache in the front seat of that chopper.
• Me: There was a helicopter on Magnum P.I.?
• Zach: I don't know, but you better believe there was a moustache on that show. Not a fan of the shorts though. ~shudder~

Pray for peace, ...... cause I got the gun

You ever have one of those days where you repeat to yourself over and over "I will not stab anyone in the face today, I will not stab anyone in the face today........"

Here everyday is ..........

All I care about is whether it is naked Tuesday or not............... well is it?

Miss spell FTW

Off-Balance: sir if you look in that system folder, you will see an Ball icon

Off-Balance: *Bell

User: LOL, well that isnt where i normally keep my balls

user: where do you keep yours? Off-balance

Off-Balance: I keep then shaved, polished, and tucked behind my legs sir

User: LOL I JUST SPIT PEPSI ALL OVER MY MONITOR.

TMI, dude, TMI...

• Coworker: Thanks for watching chat. I needed to grab a shower.
• Coworker: When I get stinky, I get grumpy
• E Seven: that's... good to know?

Pansy

So new guy is telling us about how he has been attacked by multiple people during his last few jobs......... all the Tech staff can focus on is, dude so you were beat up by girls?

Chat Support HEADDESK

Following is a chat support log. Names and formatting have been changed for privacy, but the content itself is presented as it was originally written. This just goes to show that not all herps and derps are users' fault.

• User: I have 2 questions one about classes and one about [url redacted]
• Help Desk: akright lets here those two questions
• Help Desk: are you there
• User: yes sorry im also at work
• Help Desk: okay whats ur two questions
• User: ok for the classes i was wondering if i got a "d" in a math class does that mean that i didn't get credit for it and that i have to retake the class
• User: and for [url redacted] how to i change what im going to school for because it says im going for nursing and im not im going for early education
• Help Desk: it depends on the instructor sometimes they give u half a credit with a d
• User: but do i have to retake it to go into a the next math class
• Help Desk: yeah you will have to pass that class
• User: so a d is failing? that kinds sucks
• Help Desk: yeah cause d is almost lieka f
• Help Desk: d and f are th lowest frades u can get
• User: ok

vote for quote of the day 8/17/2011

1. is it good that your HR person Laughs hysterically at your exit interview?

2. whats wrong with you? did a Priest poop on your desk?

3. I like to feed my OCD Monkey

4. Dba: Oracle there is only one database
Drea: like highlander...there can be only one!
Dba: um....yeah...you like highlander?
Drea: how is that only a guy thing?
Off Balance: porn is a guy thing, and naked weds

Its Just Cold I Swear

Gis: Random school-user is saying that she accidently clicked something and now everything is very large

Bry: sounds like a display resolution setting

Kathy: Properties right?

Bry: yup, right click desktop

Gis: its not just the internet, its all her icons and software info

Gis: how would she fix it?

Off Balance: think of baseball

when life gives you Lemons make a Lemon Party

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

What's "undownloading"?

Coworker: Ticket Of The Day--

• Summary: jpig wont show up
• Work Log: we has change the browers to firefox, ie and then restarted the whole computer and we undownload abo. soft and download again

Me: 0_0 ... SO many things wrong with this.

Strip House?

E Seven: I'm getting a google maps link for this client, and there's a label near it that says "Strip House."
E Seven: Of course it's a restaurant, but that wasn't what I thought of first...

Library 404 Page

This page not found, thy search is for naught;
Go straight to the Library homepage, we implore!
Quoth the raven, "404."

Special Purpose

14:54) Paul: good to see u again
(14:54) Paul: and yes my -penis- has a special purpose
(14:57) Off Balance: father murphy?
(14:58) Paul: O_o

need naps

15:42) Am: NEED CAFFEINE!!!!!!
(15:42) Erik : I know me too
(15:42) Paul: mee three
(15:43) Off balance: me..... whatever comes after 3

No?

(11:22) V P: Hi P is there any way I can reset my computer I'm able to put in my tickets al saw what it is doing ?

yes?

What's Training?

E Seven: Is there a KB article for this process?
Coworker: No.
E Seven: So how do people know how to do it?
Coworker: Training?
E Seven: 0_0
E Seven: ...
E Seven: BAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA ~sobs~!

quote of the day 8/05/2011

Bryan: I've changed supervisors more this month than some of our callers change their underwear

Ben: I keep my sh!tgun near my bed
Ben: I mean.....

Off Balance: is it good when you give your 2 weeks notice and you get a "LMFAO" in reply?

Off Balance: with E Seven's raw sexuallity and jons beard that is a dirty word waiting to happen

Off Balance: tell him I thought was scrolling through brazilian fart fetish porn, and assigned the work order incorrectly

Zen Help Desk

Sounds like a long day

Andrea: nuthing better then Thai Windows 7
Andrea: Argh now It's in French

Vote for quote of the day

Off-Balance- "who the F*@K is (random school) and why am I their Subject Matter Expert?"

Andria- "they say that (MALE BABY BATTER) can keep you alive if you are trapped somewhere"

Jere- "I am here to help you"
*jere leaves the room*

William- "we have a new tool to help with that"
*Off balance enters room*
Off balance- you called?

Clippy Can keep your secrets

Found this floating around the interwebz last week. How I wish it were real...

It was a long day

(15:17) Nat: Is Random School down? It just kicked me out and won't let me back in.
(15:18) Bryan: we haven't heard anything, anybody else having issues?
(15:19) Chris: checking
(15:19) Nat: It just let me back in.
(15:19) Chris: all good
(15:20) Nat: It usually doesn't kick me out for no reason.
(15:20) Nat: Thanks anyway.
(15:20) Chris: happens to me some times
(15:20) Bryan: may have just been a minor system interruption
(15:20) Chris: ^^
(15:23) Off Balance: i tried that excuse once

(15:23) Off Balance: she still wont call me back

He should have used magic missile

Inept USER: how do you access the computer on the second floor?

Off Balance, realizing the user is either drunk or stoned

Off Balance tells him to look for the rainbow gateway which

the guardian chipmunks protect from the roving ginger snap that want to eat the peaceful lollycins souls, he must be pure of heart and must possess the helm of twilight.

for the great master oglebump must consume the evil it contains.

when the great oglebump consumes the helm of twilight the great

awakening will commence. and we will see the twilight helm magically

project the path to the lost container of sassumical, there and only there

he will be able to face the great dragon of the 8th pearl.

when he has finished the dragon off and placed his 3rd gold tooth on the plate of giganator.

he will be able to access the computer on the 2nd floor.............or he could use his school ID and password

he asked me how to do the school ID thingy.

slowness equals ......... what?

13:37) John Obo: how do i tell if a student is handicapped or REALLY drunk?
(13:38) Ashley: say fart
(13:38) Ashley: wait, they'll both laff

Incomplete Credentials

Documentation submitted by a client:

1. Connect to [URL redacted]
2. Login to site with userid: [username redacted] and the current password for this account.

Lets forget about the poor grammar for now, though the rest of the submission would make an English teacher smack whoever wrote this. What I want to point out is that I did not redact the password. This is actually what it said. I feel like there should be a dude with his hands up as if to say "I dunno?"

(note: Contributor Voodoo Pork originally pointed this out)

This is actual Text from a chat I obviously I changed the names:

this chat lasted 30 secs

Off Balance says:
we would need to have the student call us
Off Balance says:
so we can confirm the issue
Jim says:
She did call and was told there was nothing you could do, that she had to speak with me.

Jim says:
Please give me your name and phone number and I will have her call you.

Jim says:
You still there?

Jim says:
HELLO!!

Help Desk says:
Website visitor has left the conversation

I don't want to know where...

via our HerpDerp member: Visine

Coworker: I don't think your friend got the Google joke.
Visine: I know, she is bucket-of-rocks smart anyway.
Coworker: truth
Visine: +5 stick of idiocy crammed somewhere

AAAAHHHHHHHMMMMMMMEEEENNNNNNN

submitted by our herp derp member: Visine

What the f%^& is up, If I have to send in one more paper for verification, then I will have to f&%# you up. Now get that s&$^ off of my to do list, nothing is needed for verif&$#ification d*(&%@. I'm a f&%$#@*& student. and that s&$# with
R(SCHOOLNAME), I already paid that s&$@. Now get it off of there, and I am not in no f&%#$ default. You guys better fix that s&%# right away.

some thing tells me he was a seminary student

tell em you fell off a swing

and That is what happens when you mess with the US


From: Olli Backman
To: vice_president@whitehouse.gov
Sent: Friday, January 29, 2010 12:37 PM
Subject: Fw: Cardinals, Pope, Barack Obama, Bill and Hillary Clinton, Angela Merkel, Gordon Brown, Nicolas Sarkozy, Jose Manuel Barroso, Tony Blair is an active member Finnish Mafia and specialist terrorist.


March 29, 2008 marked the sixth murder attempt by the Finnish Secret Police, four times they have attempted to kidnap me and cause brain damage by chemicals on orders of the president.
My wife Pirkko Backman anticipated her death and said to me six hours before her fatal heart attack "when you get your money I will no longer live, nobody can escape the crimes they have committed, Canada will kill me". She died in America when we were there for Christmas.
I was nine years old when my father died. Two weeks after his death, he appeared to me at 9 pm when I was alone in the living room. He said "I can help you".

Olli Backman o.backman@rogers.com July 16, 2009


United States Marshals Director John F. Clark
Director Robert S. Mueller as the Assistant Director in Charge Joseph Persichini, Jr. of the FBI Washington Field Office, Attorney General Eric Holder must try President Bill Clinton and Barack Obama and ministers in court under terrorism laws for having participated in the crimes against me. Sincerely, Olli Backman


US Marshals, FBI, New Scotland Yard, Germany Police, Canada Police and Interpol Police France will not investigate the crimes is an active member of the Finnish Mafia and Police gangster.


Members of the Supreme Court and senators you have not followed the American constitution. You follow orders given to you by the banks, oil companies and large industries. You have nullified the laws governing bankruptcies and crime having acted as senator and Supreme Court justice gangsters. 13 Judge Ontario and Supreme Court of Canada is the Court Gangster. webmaster@sec.senate.gov Wednesday, October 28, 2009 3:32 PM


The honest presidents Richard Nixon and Gerald Ford tried to end the practice of blackmailing the nation, the senate, Supreme Court and the President all hold the power and their actions are governed by the constitution. The industries, oil companies and banks prevented their efforts to make the United States a constitutionally governed state.


On November 13, 2009 a car tried to hit me while I was on my way to the grocery store, I was riding my bicycle on the side walk when I heard the sound of a car approaching me from behind. The car turned directly in front of me and although I tried to stop, the front tire on my bicycle hit the side door of the car. I did not fall, but the wheel of the bicycle was slightly damaged.



On December 2, 2009 I was beaten up by the terrorist police and taken to the hospital. I had just gone to the grocery store and brought the groceries home when I was attacked in my apartment and brought outside. When I regained consciousness I was lying on a sidewalk surrounded by several Toronto police officers. I tried to lift my head to see where I was, but the police who were holding my head and legs down, would not let me see anything. Three times the police slammed my head against the sidewalk when I tried to look around. The ambulance driver tightened the belt around me so tightly that I lost consciousness again. I did not regain consciousness until I was in the hospital and a friend of mine was sitting next to my bed. $1,000 that I had in a secret inside pocket of my trousers has been stolen.



I had a 10 cm cut on my forehead, my right shoulder and the right side ribs are injured. It was difficult to breathe, I could not cough and it was impossible to lift my right arm up. For the last 18 days I have been feeling light-headed, holding onto furniture and door frames to steady myself so I don't fall.



They say that I fell off my bicycle, but there are no marks on the bicycle showing that there was a fall. Yet all of my clothes were bloody and they had to cut through my shirts and jacket in the hospital to get the clothes off me. The hospital would not give me a copy of the accident report. The mafia attacked in the hospital, I was there over a week always hungry. The nurses brought me sandwiches because I was hungry day and night. The doctors and nurses were very friendly and they read my letters after my laptop was brought to me in the hospital. I locked the laptop to the side railing of my bed and sent many emails each day. I walked about 6 hours each day and tried to get my arms moving. See ADT invoice, I invoiced them 2 million while I was in the hospital. Finally I was released from the hospital and could make food at home, because you are not supposed to do business in the hospital as a nurse told me. My arms and ribs are still painful and four weeks have passed.


it goes on from there but I was like a 4 page email

Who is on first...?

-actual call...... Kinda-

Hello sir in order to verify your account i will need to verify some information....
user: ok?
HD: can I get your Social Security Number
User: What is it?
HD: the government issued number given to you at birth
User: ok what is it?
HD: I need you to tell me
User: dont you have it?
HD: yes but i need to verify your Identity
User: But if you have it already why do i need to give it to you
HD: So I know who i am giving this sensitive information to
User: I am John Doe
HD: can i have your social security number
User: what is it?

*Off balance is beating his head against the wall*

HD: thank you for your cooperation, I am going to go ahead and reset your password now.......
User: OK what is it?
HD the last 4 of of your social security
have great day......

END CALL

Wait ...... what?

it is an interesting moment when you have to put a user on hold, to check Urban dictionary to figure out what She just said to you........

LOL Call of the day

Coworker: WTF... this guy just told me to have a "delicious day." I feel violated.

Help Desk Truths

Over several years working in tech support, I've compiled a list of things that seem to be universally true for help desk operations. Many coworkers have helped add items to this, so I can't take all the credit myself. That said, this seemed like a good place to start with our blog.

All of the truths were carefully worded to be as business-ey as possible to emphasize the absurdity we sometimes encounter working at a help desk.

1. As soon as you start talking about how light call volume is, more calls will come in.
2. Everyone lies.
3. Most users don't know what they're talking about.
1. Many users don't have the vocabulary to properly describe their problem.
2. Some users will attempt to use technical terms to make themselves sound more knowledgeable than they actually are. Some will even create new, meaningless, multisyllabic words. This almost always fails.
4. If a troubleshooting step isn't documented in a ticket, it didn't officially happen.
5. Even if there is an outage message posted, some users will still ask if there is an outage.
1. This also applies to instructions in a front end message on a phone line. That is, users will ask if they are supposed to follow the instructions in the message.
2. This also applies to instructions given by agents on a previous call. That is, users will ask if they are supposed to follow the instructions given to them the last time they called.
6. Despite whatever self-help options are available, some users will never use them correctly, if at all.
1. Some users will invariably choose security questions to which they do not remember (or have) the answer.
7. When troubleshooting an issue, start with the simplest solution first. Work up to the more complex explanations if those don't work.
1. Also known as: "If you hear hoof beats, think horses, not zebras."
8. Many users will provide trivial and arbitrary details to the help desk, whether or not they pertain to the issue at hand. These users will also avoid answering troubleshooting questions with useful information.

Hello World!

This is a test post for Herp Derp Desk. Hello world!