Homosaywhat?.........

It is pretty clear when you walk into my work and look around that we are a information, networking, and hardware company. But there are few that still do not quite understand what we do....... And they are now my little playthings.

Random Salesman- Hello, I am with an extermination company, and I was stopping by to see if i could "bug" you guys a little

Matt- *purposefully not giving a response*

Random Salesman (with absolutely no comedic talent)- Sorry just a little exterminator humor there

Matt- *still unresponsive* No, I got it.

Random Salesman- So what do you guys do here?

Matt- *straight faced, sitting in front of a sign that says point of sales system, computers, networking* We sell refurbished condoms.......

Random Salesman- ............

Interwebz Dawne

What does that even mean?

I decided to take another peek at our stats today and found this little gem:

I've got something you can screw...

Apparently the ladies in this office have screws that need driving.

You really need a tech for this?

Some people are just helpless...

So that is a firewall?

from actual ticket:


walked caller through rebooting workstation

caller stated they had made some changes at the store side

the location had deleted ws3 from the system

and the printers were moved unto workstation 4 server 1

this has caused a severe printing issue

since the fire the caller was inable to get the printers active



Response from Matt:

yes, you are doing it right.

 

What's this "sport" you speak of?

• Coworker: Hey, I'm starting a fantasy football league with a few choice people at the office - $25 buy in - serious contenders only. you in?
• Me: I'll tell you what my college roommate used to say: "Isaac don't know shit about sports."
• Coworker: LOL, noted.

Homosaywhat?

That akward moment when you ask, "who is giving anal?" and they say, "if you need email, Matt, EMAIL, talk to Brian.

I Wonder if He Puts Out

• Coworker: This poor guy's last name is slutsky...
• Me: Woah, seriously?
• Coworker: Yep
• Coworker: Oh wait. Slutskiy. I guess that's a little better.
• Me: How is that better?
• Coworker: LOL it's not, I was trying to be nice.

Cultural Gap

After a meeting with a client:

• Coworker in India: hey who is Bob by the way...is he also called Robert?
• Me: Bob is short for Robert
• Me: American naming parlance
• Coworker in India: i see
• Coworker in India: and i was in dlilemma the entire call,was i talking to the right guy or not lol

Translate ALL the Herps and Derps!

When Matt told me about all of our German readers, we decided to see if "Herp Derp Desk" meant anything unseemly in German. Apparently not, but Google did have a fun suggestion:

Well they like us more, so we cater to those who pay attention

Da wir sehr beliebt zu sein, um alles, was Sie Krauts scheint, bin ich dieses Posting in Ihrem Krauty Sprache, vielen Dank für stoppin durch und machen alle unsere amerikanischen Zuhörern schlecht aussehen.

rock you Germanen, und wir werden Sie da Kehrseite sehen!

-above is the translated german-
-below is the engriss-

Since we seem to be very Popular to all you Krauts, I am posting this in your Krauty language, thanks for stoppin by and making all our American listeners look bad.
you rock Germanians, and we will see you on da flipside!!

-below is the german translation retranslated back to engriss-

Since we to be very popular for all you seem herb, I am by posting this in your Krauty language, thanks for stoppin and make all our American listeners look bad.

rock you Germans, and we'll be there to see backside!

-I Approve.

These are our latest stats, the germans are winning people.
Isaac is Jewish
Matt is Divorced

lets work on this

SHKSPR WZ ROFL RITER.............

The Cow Says...................... BULLSH...

From actual Ticket:


Troubleshooting: Saturday Batch did not settle. caller states that he has been in contact with [company] and said it was something on our end that needed fixed. checked with [company] who verified that they can force batch through but would need billable support. advised caller of billable support and he became irate stating that "this is bullsh!t" and that he wasnt paying for an issue that he didnt cause. advised caller i could dispatch to local for further support. caller agreed then promptly hung up the phone.

Matt Honaker- well did it work?

sEMI aLL cAPS rAGE

From actual call ticket:

Description Of Issue: Caller states he cannot get into Configurator. He notes that when he starts typing pw, it puts it in all caps, & then when he hits shift, it puts everything in lower case. He doesn't want to enter it in anymore, as it will lock him out. Caller notes this is not a big deal, but he was trying to change .......... price, but they can ring in another ............., & also, he might need to get in their later. Caller wants to know if there is a way to take pw option off from Configurator or not.


mATTHEW hONAKER ........... nO

Whodawhaddy?.............

Matt- wait you are using what sir?

User- Netscape

Matt- wait what?

User- Netscape

Matt- I am not hearing you............

User- I said NETSCAPE

Matt- how about a correct response this time sir....... now what    
         browser are you using?

User- Internet Explorer

Matt- thank you, ............ now to properly configure your back of
         house.......

Simon Says................

Co-worker: ........... and do you know why I also voted for (Insert Politician Name)?

Matthew Honaker: Because you read someones status update in facebook and it opened your eyes?

Co-Worker: umn .... no

Matthew Honaker: so you are telling me that all your political friends who show their right-left views didn't help to persuade your to vote for a candidate?

Co-worker: no

Matthew Honaker: do you find my statements annoying?

Co-worker: yes a little

Matthew Honaker: well now you know why I stopped listening to you 5 mins ago, you are a facebook status and like all the other idiotic statuses I see, I am pressing IGNORE

*closes office door in co-workers face*

Decisions, Decisions...

Coworker: Man, every morning I am hit with having to make decisons first thing. Today as soon as I logged into chat I got this:

Coworker: what to do... what to do...?

Its still easier than a Lexmark

Suuuure, it's important to us...

Make the homies say OH and the girlies wanna scream!

Apparently this elevator is a playa and may possibly be the silent partner of Aqua Teen Hunger Force.

Star date April 20th, captains log, we have encountered a mysterious cloud....

Sandy: it is a very simple procedure......
Off balance: so I turn off the terminals and then I shut them on......... wait, what?

MUst......... gEt....... soURce...... of...... pOWer.....

Help me.................. Help you

What Would You Do?

With the lotto hitting almost half-a-billion dollars, some people in my office (myself included) pooled together and bought a bunch of tickets today.

During a lunch meeting, our company's General Counsel popped in and asked "If you guys win, you're not all going to quit, are you?"



...we all looked at him like he was nuts.

I would like to buy the vowel 6 please.......

Off Balance: your password is abcD1234, now it is case sensitive
Janet: ok great so *typing* a, b, c, D .......
Off Balance: now 1234
Janet: do I capitalize those?
Off Balance: ........... sure

Dept. of Redundancy Dept.

An actual sentence from a process document I proofread today:

"Work is performed by the person performing the work."

Sign says..........

One thing I have learned in life is if a sign doesn’t give you the information you need, ask someone.

Off balance going to a site that has an issue with their computer system
Upon entering the parking garage he sees a sign that says “No Stopping Please Keep Moving”
Off balance looks for a parking spot but only sees “Reserved” Signs. Off balance notices a guard named P. Stephens and gets his attention.

Off Balance: Sir where do I park?

Officer: excuse me son can you read?

Off Balance: yes?

Officer: Since you can read what does that sign say?
(points to “no stopping “ sign)

Off Balance: (now annoyed which means mouth filter off) well it says for a good time call P.Stephens mother, so if you could point me to where I can park I would like to call his mother and show her a good time.

Officer: WHAT DID YOU SAY MOTHER F&^%ER

Off balance: I said there is a camera right there and I was wondering where public parking was?

Terminology

Via my friend James K:

"A user just said they didn't understand my terminology, when referring to an "error message""

Username Format

Tech: May I have your username, please?
User: Sure! It's jane "underslash" doe.

I feel like "Underslash" should be the successor to the wrestling character "The Undertaker."

I ate your problem with some fava beans and a nice chianti

Email from user:
"How do I register for classes online?
Best,
Clarice ********"

Tech's suggested response:
"Hello Clarice..."

Stereo surround sound

Tech:  hello this is Sam, how can we help you today?

Off-balance: hi this is off balance with hardware, this handheld needs recalled due to a confirmed hardware failure.

Tech: ok now when there is a hardware failure we dispatch it to hardware one moment.

*****off balance cell phone rings*****

Off-balance: hello?

Voice: this is sam with software support I have a user who claims that they have a hardware issue they refuse to troubleshoot would you take the call...........

Off-balance- Sam this is off balance with hardware ........ you are now talking to me on 2 different phones........

please stop thinking you will hurt yourself

Off Balance: please press any key to continue

User: where is that?

Off Balance: just press any key

User: where is that?

Off Balance: where is what?

User: the key

******Off Balance has a moment of clarity********

Off Balance: hit "enter"

-the user was looking for the "any" key-